Parents in Pain

My wife and I sat with a couple over desert. During our conversation Crystal raised this question to our new friends. “Are your children walking with the Lord?” Crystal and I often raise this question to Christian parents. But this time the answer was a little different than expected.

Now this is how the wife responded to our question. You could hear the pain in her voice. “I always expected my children to love Jesus as much as I do.” Then she went on to explain her disappointment that her children were not walking with the Lord.

Most Christian parents I know have one or more adult children who are not walking with the Lord. Some of those adult children walked away from the faith simply because they have a rebellious heart. But some walked away because they saw how people in the church treated one another.

But this is the problem. Christian parents often suffer in silence. They are afraid to share their parental pain with fellow believes. They know if they share their pain someone in the church will condemn them. After all, the Bible tells us if you train a child correctly, when they are older they will not depart from the faith. (Pro. 20:6)

But we need to understand this passage is not a promise. It is a principle. As a principle the Bible is telling us what normally happens. Here Solomon is making a general observation about life. If you raise your children correctly then they are more likely to walk with the Lord.

If we look at this verse as a promise rather than a principle several negative things can happen. First, a parent can become disappointed with God. “God you promised if I did my part you would do your part. Why did you not keep your promise? Why are my children not walking with the Lord?”

Second, a parent can be burden with false guilt. “I must have done something terribly wrong. If only I could figure out what I did wrong. Then I can confess my sin. Perhaps God would then answer my prayers for my children.”

Third, a parent can wrongly blame their spouse. Sometimes parents blame one another when their children are not walking with God. They throw accusations at one another. “If you would have done things differently our children would be walking with the Lord.”

Please don’t misunderstand me. The principle in Proverbs 20:6 is not to be taken lightly. If you do not take this principle seriously then most likely your children will not walk with the Lord. But again Proverbs 20:6 is a principle and not a promise

Yes, there are Christian parents who have blown it big time. But most Christian parents I know work hard to raise their children in the Lord. And if their children are not walking with the Lord there is a deep sense of hurt, pain, and guilt.

What Christian parents need most is a safe place. They need a safe place where they receive support rather than condemnation. They need a safe place where they can cry, and pour out their heart to a Christian who cares. They need a safe place where they are supported with the prayers of God’s people. And that safe place should be the local church.

False Accusations (Satan's Dirty Tricks)

Years ago I sat with a friend over coffee. During our conversation he said something which surprised me. He shared with me what two of my university students told him about their theology. My friend was concern that I was teaching the students false doctrine.

When I heard what the students told my friend I was really upset. I could not believe they would make such an off the wall commit. Then I stopped and thought for a few seconds. We can all sin, or misunderstand. But it was hard for me to believe the students said such a thing.

I then looked into my friends eyes. I gently raised this important question to him. “Did they really say that to you?” He looked down at his coffee cup. I could tell he felt uncomfortable. He then said this to me. “No, I just made it up.”

I have been in ministry for around forty years. I never cease to be surprise by how much false witnessing occurs in churches. A pastor lost his position because someone falsely accused him of lying. A woman was falsely accused of faking her illness by church leaders. A Sunday school teacher was falsely accused of being a bad teacher.

These are just a few examples that I have personally encountered. Some of the situations I have observed seem funny. Like the teenage boy who was falsely accused of going to the wrong Sunday school class. But such situations stop being funny when you understand the destructive nature of a false witness.

Creating a false witness is one of Satan’s dirty tricks. A false witness can destroy trust between God’s people. A false witness can keep God’s people fighting one another rather than focusing on the ministry. A false witness can ruin a pastor’s ministry and career.

How then can we prevent a false witness from destroying a church?

First, commit yourself to truth

Our God is a God of truth. And since our God is a God of truth, a false witness is a sin. In the Ten Commandments God tells us, “You shall not give a false witness.” If a false witness is an offense to God, then we should be careful not to give a false witness.

Proverbs 6:19 makes it clear that God hates a false witness.  And Jesus made this statement in Matthew 15:19. “For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.”

A Christian committed to the truth understands the destructive nature of a false witness. They therefore do not just pass on what they hear to others. They want to make sure they never become a false witness.

Second, don’t fight another person’s battle.

I often see this type of situation. Someone comes to me with a complaint against another person. They may even be in tears. They explain the situation to me. I then ask if they talked personally with the person who sinned against them. They usually say, “No.” Then I respond by saying, “I will not speak for you. You must go and talk to them.”

Granted someone may come to me because they simply do not know what to do. And that’s an opportunity to instruct them. But far too often people come to me for one reason. They want me to fight their battle with or for them.

It is one thing to be an honest witness for an injured party. But it is something else just to jump on the accusatory bandwagon without knowing the facts. By insisting people follow Matthew 18:15-20 I help others resolve their relational problems in a way that glorifies God.

Third, understand the different types of false witnessing

A false witness can take various forms. A false witness can be an outright lie. A false witness can be an exaggeration of the truth. A false witness can occur when we do not tell the whole story. In other words, we leave out important facts. A false witness can happen when I remain silent. I know what is said about a person is false, but I do not stand up for them.

It has been my experience most false witnessing is based upon a misunderstanding, or a wrong perception of the truth. We do not take the time to check out the information. We pass on what we hear. Without even knowing it, we become a false witness.

We need to raise the following questions to ourselves. Do I really understand the truth about this situation?  Is it right for me to be involved in this particular situation? If I pass on the information given to me, how will it affect others?

Conclusion

Years ago a church in the mid-west had a serious problem with gossip. When information was passed around the church, the facts often got confusing. Without knowing it, many church members became false witnesses. Sad to say, this type of situation occurred in this church year after year.

One young adult decided to do things differently. When someone brought “juicy” information about another person she simply put her hand up and said this to the person. “Stop, I don’t need to hear this. You go and talk to the person that offended you.”

Within time the problem with gossip diminished. It is amazing how one person can make a difference. We therefore need to practice the words found in Ephesians 5:25. “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another."